10 reasons not to blog

1. People don’t want know what is going on in your pathetic life. Unless it’s truly miserable, then they will ridicule you and your blog will be famous.

2. It is too much work, and you are lazy. So instead you should sit on your couch and play Xbox and call people n00bs.

3. The only person who cares, about what your cat did or what you saw today, already left you for someone who didn’t play on the interwebs so much.

4. When you say “PHP, SQL, AJAX, LAMP, Digg, Twitter, or blog.” All I hear is “Blah, blah blah.” If you say myspace. I am all ears.

5. Instead of blogging get back to work. We don’t pay you to write nonsense about your cat.

6. Blog like everything else in your life. Tomorrow.

7. You don’t even know how to use your phone, why would you try learning this?

8. Just because everyone else is doing it, means all the good topics are taken.

9. If it sounded like a good idea than you are doomed to fail at it.

10. Blogging means you will forget about your family and shave your head bald, like a cult

Grammar rules

I learned that grammar rules apply for a reason.

1. Capitalization - A world of difference can be made by the use of a capital letter. This example makes the most valid point.

I helped my Uncle Jack off a horse.
I helped my uncle jack off a horse.

2. Punctuation - Meaning is carried by these little marks. A classic example of this has been handed down from generation to generation.

No. Don't. Stop.
No dont stop.

3. Subject then Predicate - This one can dramatically can change who you are talking to or about.

Peter, don't touch.
Don't touch peter.

4. Spaces - a space between words can mean the difference between a night out and jail time.

We are going together.
We are going to get her.
or
My pen is leaking.
My penis leaking.

Any or all of these gramatical mistakes can be embarassing or even mentally damaging to yourself. So remember always reread what you write and check your grammar.

Sweet tea not just a drink

Of all the drinks out there in today’s world, nothing can compare to the sweet deliciousness of a large glass of sweet iced tea. To most people this may seem like a trivial matter but to those of us who were raised drinking this southern nectar it is a way of life.

Pop, soda, coke, Pepsi, coffee, lemonade, sprite, or any other drink you can think of. All of these have one thing in common; everyone knows them because they come prepackaged in shiny baubles marketed to persons of all ages. Sweet tea on the other hand can be made cheaply and quickly in large amounts and quench that summer thirst. I have been all over the United States and have noticed that once you get out of the south eastern quadrant if you ask for sweet tea you get this blank stare. Sometimes if your lucky the person you ask will be quick on their feet and suggest a raspberry or peach or even a mango tea. But what I am talking about is a normal Black and Orange Pekoe blend tea with sugar added before it cools down and ice is added. Now some will ask what’s the difference whether sugar or some form of sweetening is added while still hot. And to you I say science. If you want to dissolve anything into a liquid it will dissolve better and more thoroughly in a warm or hot liquid than a cold one. If you don't believe me try it. Dissolve 1 teaspoon of sugar in cold water and one in hot which works better for you?
Now back to the meat and potatoes of this subject. Southern sweet tea is known for a lot of sugar; that’s fine everyone’s tastes on the matter differ use a bit less. Tea like coffee is bitter, but the sugar mellows that a lot, allowing just the tea flavor to be enjoyed not the bitterness. Coffee being a very strong beverage should be used primarily first thing in the morning or for extremely late nights, but for something more subtle and refreshing try sweetened iced tea later in the day. You may find you like it.

The masks we wear

In the early 1990s there was a young actor by the name of Christian Slater. He was in a bunch of movies that were just awesome. For example Gleaming the cube, Heathers, and one in particular called Pump Up The Volume. In this last movie he portrayed a guy who’s parents moved to a place that older folks love aka the middle of fucking nowhere. Now this guy was a shy guy who didn’t talk much or do very many things that involved people. But unbeknownst to everyone at night he broadcasted illegally through the airwaves to the entire high school population as Happy Harry Hardon (hence the title). He talked about everything from sex to life to sex. You know the basics. Well in the end the FAA was involved and so on and so forth. I’m not going to just give away the ending to those of you who haven’t seen It.>:)

Ok now I know you’re thinking how can this guy rant about a movie... well grasshopper. The movie portrays a guy with 3 types of personalities. 1 to people he doesn’t know he’s just crazy but he makes valid points. 2 to his parents he’s a bit angry and frustrated. And 3 to the people he meets in everyday life he’s shy and withdrawn. Now this movie being made in the early 90s is set towards that time frame but the theory is still valid. Every one wears masks. Those masks don’t change who we are they just hide different parts of are personality.

Now that I'm done with the brief explanation of my theories. Lets get down to the point. Men and women. Ohhh yes this seems to be the basis of my rants and its good stuff so I'll stick with it at least for a while longer >:) Men and women have different masks they wear. And while a woman’s may be a veil or a scarf, a mans might be a hat or an eye patch. Anyway you look at it they are still designed to hide something. Ill start by dissecting men first this time. Men are assholes at least that’s what women think anyway :) ok here’s the deal some men are assholes but women always fall for that guy so the rest of us put on or hat and say hey were assholes too. Now don’t get me wrong there are true assholes but not all of us are like that. Now then there’s the guy who does all the cool stuff and the women fall for that guy too. So all the rest of us guys put on our eye patch and say arrrrgggghhh I'm a pirate too. Why I hope that we can be the guy you choose next. Its sad I know but we all do it even the guy who says I don’t care got the tattoo so you would choose him next. And it works for everything they shy sensitive type, the rebel type, the bad boy type, all of these things aren’t all of that person. Some might be assholes to their families, some could be nice to old ladies, and some could be kindergarten teachers. But just remember. What you see is only a small percentage of that person so give the shy guy a chance, or the prep, or the nice guy. They will surprise you.

Now women, hahaha you thought I forgot about you didn’t you. Here’s the deal you complain that we make a big deal about how you look here’s a clue. Because you make a big deal about it means wee will always make a big deal about it. It’s the truth. But here’s the scoop. Women’s masks are way more complicated than guys. Maybe because I’m a guy. But they say I want that guy instead of walking up and saying I want you they out on this mask where they are flirtatious as hell. And when that don’t want a guy they put on the I’m the biggest bitch in the whole universe mask that has a few and I don’t like you and it’s all your fault that you were even born tassels. Oh yea rejection at its finest. See women have millions of masks that can change three times in one word, its kind of freaky. But they have them I’m not going to go to far into it because I may say something I shouldn’t mad then well they will cal one of those emergency women’s meetings and blacklist my ass so all I can do is go to Tibet and become one of those celibate monks and shit. Ohh wait yall thought those guys made a choice. Hahahhaa you were wrong. Ok well that about does it I’m getting tired so I’m off to the land where beer flows like water the women are always nekkid and you don’t need ruffies to get laid.

P.s. would you believe me if I told you I’m shy around girls?

Live love laugh

The American way of life is a strange a mythical creature. I say this because as Americans we are always searching for the extreme. Whether its in sports or money or even food, we always look for the absolute. No compromises, no mediocrity. When we want to be rich we want to be completely rich, and when we want to be happy we will not settle for content. It is the American way of life.

I have to say now that as I watch people and observe their behaviors (something I have always done). I have come to my own proverbial epiphany and that is I don’t want to be rich beyond my wildest dreams. I don’t want to be an extreme. I want to be content and satisfied with my life. Now I’m not saying I don’t want to be happy. What I’m saying is I have noticed that the adage "Money cant buy happiness" is actually true. Some of the happiest people I have ever met weren’t rich or even well off. There are also those who would argue, "It may not buy happiness but it’s a good start." I can’t completely agree with those individuals either. In the past 26 years it has never mattered how much money I have made, I always spend it. If I make 5 dollars an hour then I will adapt my lifestyle to suit if I make 100 thousand dollars a year I can be fairly certain I will adapt my lifestyle to suit that also. I have learned in the past you can get used to just about anything, it just takes awhile to adjust.
Its funny every time I write one of these things I lose track of what I wanted to say to begin with and just ramble most of the time. And the worst part is it’s not like its original, and I’m a bit late in learning it. But I still like to share so I do :) The main reason I actually began writing this is because wanted to say I’ve always wanted to be happy and in talking with people I noticed that the times that I have been truly happy and content are in the moment when you first wake up with someone you care about in your arms. For that moment nothing else exists except the two of you. You all know what I am talking about. Take the time if you are in a relationship to make that moment last. Stop what you are doing and for a minute look at the person you are with and say Hi with out worries or troubles. Just put everything aside for one minute and tell that person you care about that they mean something to you. Make a connection; you never know how long they are going to be there, so every day is a new experience. If you feel that you do the same thing everyday, realize that the person, who asks you how your day was, really cares and might actually want to hear about it. It might actually be interesting to them because they don’t do that every day. Make the connection every day with the ones you care about.

Expect the unexpected

Life is full of unexpected twists and turns. One day you’re on top of the world the next the world is crashing down around your ears. Am I happy? Yes most days. Am I sad? Occasionally when things are beyond my control. In my life there have been ups and downs. From as far back as I can remember I have always tried to be happy and to have others around me who wanted to be joyous. But alas, people are stupid. For some reason everyone between the ages of born and dead likes to be miserable. Give some one something for free to brighten their day and they will break it. Offer them a chance to do something to help them and they complain it’s not free (so they can break it). Give some one a little bad news and they make it seem like the end of the world.

I wrote a poem about lawn gnomes who bowl.

I had a dream where you and I ate Ice Cream.

The only thing I can figure out is how to add. A number here or there but when you add people it doesn’t make sense. 1 + 1 can equal any number higher than 2. (If you don’t get it then you aren't getting any) Long dark hallways and parking garages scare me a little because you start thinking about subtraction. 1 of me minus 1 of me = a little scared. Subtraction is very rarely a good thing. $20 - any amount = sucks. Head - hair = sucks. Not that I have anything against bald people but if it won’t grow back that sucks. Car - gas = sucks. There are good subtractions too don’t get me wrong, they are just few and far between.

My life is a story that should be made into an epic movie.

The things boys will do for girls

This is a public service announcement:

Boys are dumb! I have a saying "The things boys will do for girls." Girls remember this its not for you that I am telling you this its for the guys. Guys as a whole you are doing a piss poor job of making your women feel special and loved. Guess what we are not here for our own pleasure or amusement, we evolved to be at the beck and call of whomever we have chosen on our hottie scale as worth it. That’s the facts when you judge a girl on your own little scale its not how hot she is. That was made up to help us feel better about ourselves. It is a scale of what we are willing to do to see them naked and make out with them. A 1 on this scale means we would be willing to go the extra mile and put all our effort into not being in the same room with them, a 5 means we would do nothing we wouldn’t run away or towards if their clothes fell off, and a 10 means, that’s right, we would prolly rob a bank or shoot someone if we even thought that it would let us do a little lip locking or extra ogling of unexposed body parts. See I told you boys are dumb. Now don’t hold that against us girls its not our fault that we have been led to believe with TV and history books that men have been the lead gender for thousands of years. "The man is the protector and hunter of the species." Rubbish, the things boys will do for girls. When the girl said "I'm hungry." the boy said "I'll throw rocks at these big ass animals to get it for you." Dumb ass. The boys just happened to get good at it so now we have meat. When the girl said "I'm afraid of the big things outside." The boy thinking "I’m going to get some." says “I'll stand out side and throw rocks at whatever comes near." And again the boy happened to be well suited to throwing rocks. So here’s my question. How in the hell does that make the guy the dominant one? That just means the guy was the dumb one from the beginning, right.

Now girls are just as dumb as guys just in a different respect. Women who have all the say so in any relationship like to chose the even stupider guys. The ones who are so stupid in fact they have yet to realize that she can replace you within 3 phone calls. 3 phone calls you ask? Think about it in that short amount of time she can call anyone of those men who have relegated themselves to the nice guy whom she can ask anything of but doesn’t. But she never calls those guys even though you treat her as if she can be replaced as easily. And you know you cant. So decent guys are dumb and shitty guys are stupider, and women love the stupid ones. (Maybe its because they have close to the same IQ as a vibrator I don’t know)

The point is this no matter how smart you think she is, and no matter how smart you think he is. If a boy treats a girl as replaceable he’s about as smart as a box of rocks. And if a girl lets herself get treated as replaceable then she’s no better.

Liquid courage

Hello everyone! Its time for the randomness inside my head to come out again. This time the subject is a very serious one and it plagues millions of partiers and sleepy heads alike. Drunk dialing and intoxicated texting are being portrayed in a very negative light, and it is a shame that in our society where technology and advancements in science are being shunned because of a few misguided people. I’m sure most of you have been DD'ed or IT'ed before or have done it to some one else. I want to tell you its ok. I call those LIQUID COURAGE CALLS. When you want to say something that’s is not "normal" for you then take a couple of shots and try it anyway. You never know what might happen :) I am a big supporter of romance and true love, but I have to say how can you achieve these things if you never say a word and your desires are never known. Simply put "YOU CAN'T."

Now don’t get me wrong, I'm not in any way saying call people and when they get mad say, "Ooops I was drunk." What I'm saying is if your shy, nervous, or just afraid of rejection, then have a few cold ones and speak the truth into your phone :) text it, blog it, call them, go to their house, something let them know that hey I like you and I want to make out. (Added footnote: Do not do this to family members, your friends girlfriend, your girlfriends sister or mom, the cute girl with the large boyfriend, or to someone who you are pretty sure is going to ridicule you for the rest of your life) its not a good idea no matter how drunk you are :)

Now say you do call or text and you get a response, don’t get so emotional that they cant understand you. First off they know your drunk they will forgive grammar mistakes, but they cant understand any of "kjhdalfkjhdfakljhdfklajhdfkah kjhdaflkjhdf" (while you are crying) so no you won't hear anything except "what the fuck are you talking about?” and those words will crush a drunk mans ego :)

This is by no means an easy task most people tend to stick with people they've already been with so it’s not quite so awkward the next day. So you have to realize if you dated them there was probably a pretty good reason you had to call them when you’re loaded.
One of the best reasons for all of this is to make out. Everybody always says they want sex, guess what your so drunk you can barely speak coherently, stick to making out, its fun. You can learn a lot about someone by making out with them for about 15 min. Like how tall they are, if you like kissing them, and most importantly if they want to make out with you. Nothing is worse than kissing someone and getting slapped in return, this is one of those definite signs that its not going to be a good night and you shouldn’t have called or texted. So remember Liquid courage calling isn’t a bad thing it’s a gateway to the possibility of happiness :)